carpe dios, seize the god
  carpe dios, and don't spare the rod
  don't let some televangelist tell you what to do
  grab him by the tail and make him work for you
  carpe dios, seize the god

  Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell
  you're going to hell
  you're going to hell
  Jim and Tammy Bakker and the PTL
  you're going to hell
  you're going to hell
  if you believe what you're preachin, better say your prayers
  you're going to hell
  you're going to hell
  cause you're leachin and Jesus don't dig millionaires
  you're going to hell
  but aw what the hell

  carpe dios, be sure the horse is shod
  look at his teeth before you give him the nod
  what kind of god would kill a televangelist
  for not raising some cash, is he the king extortionist?
  carpe dios, seize the god

  (then there's a long rap that goes nothing like...)

    Yeah, what's up with that anyway?
    I turned on the television the other day
    I was bored, alright?
    My housemates were sleeping
    so I couldn't plug in my guitar
    My girlfriend was out of town
    so I couldn't plug in anything else
    So I turned on the tube
    Went looking for something worth watching
    You know, a Bugs Bunny cartoon or an old Star Trek rerun
    something like that
    Alas the TV gods did not smile upon me
    Closest I could find was Cow and Chicken.
    So there I was flipping channels
    I was up into the high digit specialty channels
    the ones with a constant radar image
    or Howard Stern
    then I see this guy screaming and waving his arms
    I thought "cool! Jackie Chan!"
    No such luck
    It was this televangelist
    he was saying he had to raise a million bucks?
    Or God would kill him.
    What's up with that?

    Is the biggest extortion racket going or what?
    Like do Jesus and Moses walk into the local convenience store?
    Tell the owner that little "accidents" might happen?
    Nothing planned, you unnerstand, just "acts of God".
    Yeah, but me and Moses here can "watch out for you", right Moe?
    Right boss.
    We'll make sure nothing bad happens, ain't that right Moe?
    Yeah boss.
    And since you'll have such a nice safe operation,
    you'll do good business.
    All we're askin for is a little piece of the pie, is all.
    That ain't too much to ask, is it Moe?
    Duh, no boss.
    So waddaya say? You wanna play ball?

    I don't think so

    For one thing, it's too penny-ante.
    I mean, if God wanted to get into the protection racket,
    why would he go for chump change?
    Jesus wouldn't want to be the bag man in that operation.
    Walking from shop to shop to collect God's cut.
    Not with those holes in his feet, he wouldn't.
    No, if God was gonna shake somebody down, he'd go big time.
    He'd get a couple stooges working for him and go for the major score.
    That's where the televangelists come in.
    You get a handful of them, each with his flock...
    and by the way, flocks are for fleecing...
    and you'd just watch what a cash cow that would be!
    In fact, it would be a whole herd of cash cows.
    Flocks and herds.
    Domesticated animals.
    Now I've heard God referred to as "the good shepherd"
    but I don't think this is what He had in mind.

    In fact, from what I've heard about this Jesus guy
    he's into peace and love and giving and sharing
    other pinko stuff like that
    Like didn't he say something about the eye of a needle?
    Well I can tell you about a whole pack of camels
    gonna be smoked in hell
    Flocks and herds and packs
    No, Jesus was preachin a whole other ball game

    So the only other possibility is that someone is lying.
    But that couldn't be, could it?
    Someone on the television talking some shit?
    Trying to get people to send them money?
    I suppose that may happen from time to time
    In this world where we get action figures
    in a MacDonald's happy meal
    months before the movie comes out
    In this land where sometight assed old guy
    who never smoked a joint in his life
    gets on TV
    payed for by taxpayers
    and tells us what a horible thing marijuana is
    how this plant will destroy our brains
    ruin our lives
    and then follow it up with a propecia commercial
    an ad that warns us of
    nausea, crams, vomitting, headaches, "sexual side effects"
    birth defects for careless handling
    but insists we eat this panacea
    because natural hair loss shouldn't be tolerated
    I don't know if weed can prevent hair loss
    but I have met quite a few pot heads with long hair
    I never heard of pot causing nausea, vomitting or cramps
    in fact it can cure those very symptoms
    in chemotherepy and radiation patients
    of course chemo and radiation will make your hair fall out
    so we're back to propecia again
    Sexual side effects?
    well yeah
    there have been times I smoked a joint
    and then got laid soon afterwards
    and isn't that the whole point of propecia?
    Cure your baldness so you can get laid?
    I've seen some gorgeous women with bald stoner guys
    But I digress

    So maybe someone is fibbing about this God thing.
    I mean, on the one hand they call him benevolent
    talk about his great mercy and all that
    then they kill in his name
    and claim he threatens their life if they don't pay up
    It can't both be true

    Could it be that there are men
    men who use God's name to their own nefarious ends
    men who portray this supreme being as suits their moment
    men who use religious structures to increase their own wealth and power
    naah, only the Church of the Subgenius would do that
    sell you salvation
    Well, they're the only ones who actually TELL you they're doing it.

    No, Jesus was saying something completely different
    not "pay up or die"
    not "believe or die"
    He had a whole other message

    So anyway, getting back to the guy on TV
    I was pretty disgusted
    I changed the channel
    There was another guy doing the same thing
    and some woman with smeary makeup
    Jim and Tammy Faye
    By the way, you know why Jim Bakker spells his name with two K's?
    because three would be too fucking obvious, that's why
    I changed the channel again
    and found something good
    There was this movie on
    it was about these two kids
    I listened to what they said
    they sounded like holy men to me
    In fact, they were saying pretty much the same thing as Jesus did
    at least the two most important points
    they said:
     "be excellent to each other"
    and
     "party on dudes"

    catch you later Bill and Ted!

  (repeat first verse)